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I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. I'll get back to you if I need anything else." 12/30/04 - Bel from Laredo, Texas: Hello this is my answering machine. I know you're supposed to leave a message, but I prefer you don't.

(The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.") Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.) Hi, you have reached _(phone number)__ you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the following 1. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. I know you're supposed to leave a message, but I really prefer you don't.

And if you can make your message rhyme, We'll call you back in half the time!!!!! So if you'll leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...) (Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home." (Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. (Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone" Hello. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you! (or) (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. (Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening.

Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now.

Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.

In 1971, Phone Mate introduced one of the first commercially viable answering machines, the Model 400.

On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. I'm secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else.(Will be automatically deleted! Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge. If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. You know what, whoever the hell you are you mght as well hang up because I'm gonna ramble a lot. 01/05/05 - Jenna Armoska from Rock Falls, IL: Hello...? Leave your name, phone #, address, Social Security #, Credit Card #, and the expiration date. 12/30/04 - Bel from Laredo, Texas: Hello this is my answering machine. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor... If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... (Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins. (To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number.If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP (To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone. (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message.All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

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  1. Uncle Junior and Tony were, at that point, at each other's throats because Junior plotted to have a rival, Gennaro "Little Pussy" Malanga, killed in Malanga's favorite restaurant, Vesuvio, a restaurant owned by Tony's childhood friend Artie Bucco.